And They Lived Happily Ever After?

Cambodian weddings are something very extraordinary in my eyes. It has nothing to do with a Western wedding, everything is bigger, more colourful and much, much louder. Linda, the cousin of my hostmum, got married on the 28th of November. Months before the big day everyone was talking about it. It had to be discussed who would be invited (800 people), what dresses the bride should wear (8 different ones for every time of the day) and what colour the flowers of the entrance gate should have (purple). As my family is not very conservative at all and has adapted to the Western lifestyle, I would have never thought of the possibility that the marriage was arranged.

“Half arranged.”, Siphen said. “As Linda is already 27, it was really time for her to get married.” Her chosen husband was the son of an old friend of Siphen and it was known that he had a good character and an acceptable work, so it was agreed within the family that he would make a good catch for Linda. She said yes as it seemed to her as not a bad idea and the two of them got engaged. Seems very easy and uncomplicated and maybe it is. There is this old saying of the teapot after all. If two people love each other passionately when they get married, their teapot is already boiling hot. After the wedding it will either boil over or cool off again. Whereas two people that don’t know each other till the wedding day, or are at least not allowed to date, can grow to love each other after the wedding with the time passing by. That means the teapot is slowly getting hotter and hotter. I would not dare say that this is actually true, but Siphens brother and his wife that live next door, had never seen each other till the day of their wedding and are as happy as two people can possibly be after nearly forty years of marriage.

Weddings are in general known for their wonderful match-making capacity. Olivier, the former Bookbridge volunteer came to visit for the wedding and brought his roommate from Zurich. As they are both single, Siphen decided that she would search two lovely, young Cambodian women for them during the wedding days. I had to laugh a lot when I saw their faces. Siphen gave me a sincere glance. “And you don’t get up to mischief!”, she said. “The earliest you could look for a potential husband is with 20 years of age. I am keeping an eye on you!” I had the feeling that both Olivier and his friend were a little jealous of me then. Especially when Siphen actually made it reality and introduced both of them to some 30 something women that were to shy and too giggly to actually talk to them.

The days before the wedding were really strange. For once, everything was decorated with flowers and paper ribbons. Tents were build, tables were brought, a stage was set up and soon I didn’t recognize the place at all anymore. My hostfamily has such a large compound, that they can have the festivities at home. The day before the wedding seemed like it was already the actual wedding. Everyone was busy, but nobody was stressed. Especially Linda was as calm as ever. Nothing can make these people nervous, a wedding with 800 people is just a day like every other. Around the house where the pond is, a lot of people from the catering service were camping. They had some mats and hammocks infront of the fireplaces and everywhere you could see tons of food. Weddings in Cambodia are a huge business. It is unbelievable how much money they spend in such a short period of time, but it is all part of tradition and nobody wants to break with it. We got our nails painted and prepared the clothes for the next day then. In the morning I had to wear a sampot with a traditional shirt and in the evening I was to wear a dress that Linda gave to me. It was long and green and very sparkly. She said she already wore it to three weddings last year, that’s why I could have it. Early in the morning of the 28th we got our hair and make-up done. I felt like a doll with all these people touching my face and my hair without asking me how I actually wanted to look. I was pretty scared to see myself in the mirror, after they put what felt like tons of different chemical products on me. I didn’t recognize myself at all, I never looked that styled up before, not even for my high school graduation. But as I was glancing around, the same had happened to everyone else. It was so strange, I had to figure out if I had actually seen the person opposite me before or not. When my hostmum saw me she looked just as shocked as me when I had seen myself in the mirror the first time, but then she clapped her hands together and exclaimed: “You look like an angel!”

At 7:30 we began with the fruit walk. This means, that a whole procedure of people is walking towards the house of the brides family. It is tradition that the groom is living in the house of his bride after the marriage. It felt a little bit stupid to walk away from the house, just to turn around and walk there again, but whatever. Everyone had to carry a golden plate with food on it that symbolizes something. Me and the man walking next to me were carrying an eggplant that apparently symbolizes wealth. We waited for about 20 minutes in this strange procedure of colorful people in the middle of the rice fields and then walked back to the house down the dirt road. After taking some pictures we all stepped in the tent that was set up at the entrance and sat down on the chairs there. First we could watch a show of Apsara dancers and after that we all got little flower blossoms to throw on bride and groom as they walked by. We then got to have breakfast before the ceremonies began. For instance the hair cutting ceremony: To prepare bride and groom for their life as a married couple, their hair is symbolically cut, representing a fresh start to their new relationship together as husband and wife. The master of the ceremony performs the first symbolic hair cut and wishes the couple happiness, prosperity and longevity. The bride and groom’s parents, relatives and friends then take turns to symbolically cut the hair and give the couple blessings and well-wishes. (In the old days, the bride and groom’s hair were really cut during this ceremony, but in modern times it is only done symbolically.) Then there is the Seven Rotations ceremony. Only married couples are permitted to sit around bride and groom as the sacred flame is rotated seven times around the new couple. The flame of the pure bee-wax candle represents anger, which the couple should avoid as it can disrupt the marriage relationship. The smoke of the flame is sacred enough to protect them from all evils if they are sincerely committed to each other. Family members who receive the candle, motion their hands over the flame to guide the smoke of the sacred flame over bride and groom. Another important ceremony is the Tying the Wrists / Pairing Ceremony. In this final and most memorable stage of the ceremony, family members and friends tie the bride and groom’s left and right wrists with blessing strings. These knots are tied on both the bride and groom, who were traditionally required to wear them for three days afterwards to preserve the good luck. The praises and well-wishes of happiness, good health, success, prosperity, and long-lasting love are acknowledged and witnessed by the loud sound of the gong and joyful cheers. The ceremony concludes with a shower of palm flowers thrown over the new couple. While the bride and groom’s wrists are tied with the blessing strings, the following song is sung: “We tie, we tie three strings to each wrist of our children. We wish for true happiness and success to this couple, who will always be together like wet grass seeds. We tie your left wrist to make you remember your parents. We tie your right wrist to make you carry on the family lineage and traditions.” It is all very complicated and takes a very long time. After that the couple is offically married. Around four o’clock the first guests came. It got very fast very crowded and soon I had no idea anymore of how many people actually were there. 400, 800, 1000? I helped with serving the beverages and got endless compliments for my outfit. The catering service was very busy with bringing enough food for everyone and I don’t really know how I survived these days because they never made anything without meat.

   

At 7 o’clock the evening programm started. Linda looked very exhausted to that point, as she had changed her dress already 7 times. Everyone got some sparklers and they were stuck in a food pyramid. It was just like on New Years Eve. Some were formed like hearts what made it even more romantic. Then Linda and her husband went to the stage and said some things to the guests in Khmer.I kind of stopped listening and began thinking about everything that happened today. It all went by so fast, every second of the day was totally planned and it was such a new and huge inside to Khmer culture, I was still busy sorting all the new informations. “She is going to throw the rose bucket now.”, the girl next to me suddenly whispered in my ear. “You have to try and catch it.” Just in that moment, Linda turned around a threw the flower bucket she had carried in the crowd. I might have had an advantage as I am so tall, but somehow the flowers landed in my hand. Everyone around me began to cheer happily. “Awesome!” the girl next to me exclaimed. “You will be the next person to get married!” Many hands pushed me forward and somehow I found myself standing on the stage. Linda beamed at me. “How do you feel?”, she held the microphone infront of my mouth. “I guess I feel very happy?”, I said. “Do you have someone in mind to become your future husband?”, she asked. (I had to think of Siphen and how she would keep an eye on me because I was far too young to get married.) “No, not really.”, I shook my head. “Well maybe you will find out tonight. The next song is for you, you can chose your dance partner.” I nearly got a heart attack. I didn’t want to chose a dance partner and I didn’t want to dance infront of 800 people. How does it come I always find myself in situations like this? I looked around and saw one of Stacys friends that is also a Peace Corps volunteer and nearly two meters tall. I really don’t want to be discriminating, but I can’t to dance with someone who is shorter than me. Somehow I got through that dance (some children got hold of my flower bucket and began to throw the blossoms on us while we were dancing). After that part everyone was allowed to join us on the dance floor. A live band began to play traditional songs and everyone was in a very good mood. My hostdad finally climbed the stage and performed a song and somehow more and more people began to dance with him up there. Even Linda changed into a shorter and more comfortable dress and we danced in a mixture of Khmer and Western style, it was pretty hilarious. When the wedding ended around 12 o’clock I wasn’t even tired.

But it should take me 2 more hours, a pair of fake eyelashes and 37 hairneedles to get rid of the whole wedding styling.

The Incredible in the Ordinary

This week my roommates decided that they wanted some more company without asking me for permission and suddenly I had not only mice and spiders, but also a yellowish frog accompanying me. I guess I mentioned the day when I found one of the mice dead when I wanted to take a shower, what was the most horrible moment in my life. As I would never kill an animal, I tried to build up a friendship with the pregnant spider in my room, that basically carried her babies in a giant white pillow under her belly. She greeted me in the morning and said goodnight to me in the evening. Stacy is really scared of spiders and after I told her that I don’t sleep with a mosquito net, she looked like she was about to faint. Well this week I was casually telling Linda, Siphens niece that is going to marry, that I had a giant spider in my room and she frowned and asked me if I knew that they can bite and insert the spider babies in the skin. As much as I wanted the mommy spider to live in peace and carry out her babies, I didn’t want to be part of it. Linda went into my room and killed it with a broomstick. It took her five stabs until she succeeded, every time I heard a loud “bang” as I waited outside because I couldn’t watch her doing it. Now to the frog, he was suddenly sitting on my window frame and the camouflage was so well done, that I first didn’t realize that it was an animal. I turned around and walked out of my room again. It’s no use to worry about the fact, that I don’t know how all these animals can get inside.When I came back the frog was gone, but there was a new spider on the ceiling. I welcomed her, at least she wasn’t pregnant. (Bugs are being hosted free of charge by the way.)

  

When I am already talking about animals, I could as well continue with that topic. My host family has a dog called Salé, who is one year old and completely hyperactive. He is always running around, chasing chicken and barking at strangers that pass by. Sometimes it can be really annoying because everyone is busy screaming ”Salé! Salé! No Salé! Out Salé!” all day long, but he is also warmly loved by the whole family so nobody is really serious when he’s being scolded. In fact, the family life turns around this dog and his huge dog eyes, that make him get an extra portion of food on a regular basis. The other two dogs, Tino and Lucky are probably jealous, but that’s how life works. The younger ones are taking your place. I must say, that I appreciate it that Tino keeps guard in front of my door every night. Despite the fact that he is the oldest dog and I never ever heard him barking.

I’ve been told many times, that there are evidently many snakes in the rice fields around, but all I ever see are crabs. Yesterday I came home from school with my bike and all of sudden passed two snakes. One of them was flat like a pancake, because she dared to cross the street. The other one was really small but when I was on her height, she suddenly stuck her head in the air and hissed at me. I got a tiny shock and drove a bow to evade rolling over it, what ended in me driving straight into the rice field nearby.

Every morning the market is as busy as an Asian market should be. Sellers are presenting pig heads, cow intestines and frog legs. In little boxes are around a hundred baby chicks that are peeping because they want to get a look over the edge. Baby pigs are being transported in tiny cages, women are standing around, discussing which one to buy. One of the women is always grabbing a piglet by the foot and pulling it out of the cage. Upside down it is hanging in the air squeaking while the customers are trying to talk over the sound, negotiating about the price. Then there are the motorbikes that are hanged with gooses and chickens so that there is barely enough time for the driver to sit. The birds look so miserable what should not surprise, as they can barely breath and have to wait in the hot sun until someone has mercy and ends their life. One time I saw one of these motorbikes fall to the side, so that the whole load was squeezed under the weight of the engine. I just couldn’t look and the desperate sounds of the tangled creatures were ringing in my ear. Finally someone put the motorbike up again. In one of the smaller market streets, women sell fish. Most of them are still alive, the others are halfed and lie on low stalls to dry in the sun. There are flies everywhere and the smell is incredible. Sometimes it happens that one of the fishes is jumping out of it’s bowl, but all the sellers do is pick them up from the ground and put them back in the water.

Everything you can buy at the market has just recently been freshly made. And everything is done by the females. I once saw a picture of a Khmer women with 8 arms, that should symbolize all the things she has to do day by day. For example the housework, the farming, the selling of the products on the market, the raising of the children, the dealing with the money and many more things. Men just simply like to lie in hammocks and play cards with a fresh Angkor beer next to them. I mentioned that I love the sweets that are packed in banana leaves, but there are so many more incredible things that are made of the simplest things and are even healthy. Beans with coconut milk, sweet corn with brown sugar, rice cake… You have to be a Khmer housewife to know when and where exactly in this chaos, what is sold. And then the negotiating begins, nothing can be bought without talking about the price for at least three minutes.

Then there are the tailors. They have fabric in all different qualities and colors and make dresses that look like out of fairy tale movies. Because the wedding will be soon, I went with Stacy to the tailor to see the dress she had ordered there. It’s long, cut open in the front, with pailettes and pearls on the sleeves and a v-neck at the back, enclosed with glass buttons. All she did was to point on a picture of a fashion magazine and the tailor made the dress for her. I am so excited for the wedding, I can’t even describe it. Apparently we will wake up in the early morning to get dressed up, get our hair and get our make-up done (also on the market, obviously). There will be 600 guests coming and this is a very small wedding for Cambodia.

A plant that is very expensive, healthy and can be rarely found on the market is moringa. My hostfamily drinks every evening morninga tea, because  they grow it in their garden, like they do with nearly every herb and spice that can be grown. Moringa is a super food that has 7 times the vitamin c of oranges, 4 tims the vitamin a of carrots, 4 times the calcium of milk, 3 times the potassium of bananas and 2 times the protein of yogurt. My host mum tries to give us a lot from it because it is so good.

This week in school I was drawing pictures of four children on the board to talk about different kind of clothes. One of the girls I drew with curly hair and suddenly everyone started screaming. I was really surprised and slightly confused, but then one boy said: “She has hair like a ghost!”. Ghosts are a pretty huge thing in Cambodia. Every big religious celebration has something to do with the ghosts of the ancestors coming back to earth, every second Khmer legend or myth is about ghosts and everyone is telling spooky stories of obsessed people and abnormal occurances. As soon as it gets dark everyone is talking about the fact that they could meet a ghost on the way back and when I told Sopheak her hair was nice, she said she soon would have to cut it, to not look like a ghost. There are ghosts in every important buliding and offertories where the sacrifices can be placed. Ghosts can basically be everywhere, I wonder why I never saw one. When I tried to tell the class that people in Southafrica all have curly hair like that, nobody would be believe me. I had to bring a picture the next day.

I have a really hard time remembering the names of the children at Bookbridge. I maybe know around 40, but considering the number of children that actually go there, it is not a lot. The thing is, that a lot of the names sound really smiliar and there are simply too many. Sapol, our cleaning women has three children that she all sends to Bookbridge. And to get an extra income she sells sweets in the court in front of the building every afternoon. That is bad because of two reasons: the children get bad teeth and other health problems and the rubbish of the packages is everywhere. Sapol herself is one of the nicest people on earth, I like her so much, she’s simply endearing and her children are very well behaved. You can sense that the family has not a lot of money and so I don’t really know what to do about that. I don’t want that she looses her income, but the situation is certainly not the best.

When I go with Sreydieb somewhere, we go by bike. That’s because we are poor and don’t have a motorbike. She sits in the back while I drive through the muddy lanes. It’s very funny, because everyone stops to stare with us with wide eyes. It seems simply impossible that a foreigner would drive a Khmer girl around, but as Sreydiebs driving skills cannot be trusted, I grab the Lenker myself. Any place I go, where people don’t know me, I can hear everyone from afar screaming “Barang! Barang!” what basically means foreigner. When I love and say “Soksabei Dtee?”, what means how’s it going, everyone changes to “Barang nijiey Khmai!”, what means, the foreigner is talking Khmer. Sreydieb always starts laughing like she’s mad and was about to fall of the bicycle.

Sometimes I feel like even my daily life here, can never be normal, as hard as I try. But maybe it’s good that way, I certainly never get bored here.